The Illusion of Perfection

I’m finding it ironic that my entire purpose for starting this blog is to help others identify, confront, and conquer their personal struggles, yet I can’t figure out how to begin because I’m too worried about making it perfect. Worried about saying the right thing, worried about saying it the right way, worried about unintentionally exposing a part of myself that might do more harm than good to any one of you. Why is that ironic? At 16, I was diagnosed with depression and an eating disorder, and perfection, or rather the illusion of perfection, was my most monumental challenge. I’m sure many of you can relate – the all-consuming power of the non-existent concept is enough to rip your entire world to shreds. I must admit, though it no longer consumes my every thought process, perfectionism still trips me up every now and then. So, how can it wield any real power if it is non-existent? We’ll get to that later – trust me, I have more than enough to say about what I believe to be the ultimate riptide of life in the 21^st century.

If you are anything like me, the need to be perfect may have started off as a good thing: motivating you to put forth extra effort that most likely paid off in the end; giving you a well-deserved sense of accomplishment because you did not settle for mediocre; eliciting praise from well-meaning individuals who were unintentionally fueling the fire by acknowledging your “perfection.” Unfortunately, perfectionistic tendencies will eventually strip you down to nothingness – leaving you an empty shell void of the ability to enjoy anything that was once enjoyable. Depressing, huh? It is impossible to hold yourself to an unrealistic standard and expect to achieve it flawlessly each and every time without losing pieces of your soul along the way. The first time you do something less than what you believe to be perfect, the emotional turmoil you’ll feel is enough to drive you crazy. You will subsequently question your each and every move that led you to a “less than perfect” end – and it will slowly but surely deplete your self-confidence and self-esteem. I’ve been there, I’ve done that.

According to the dictionary, perfection is defined as freedom from fault or defect. In reality, however, what constitutes perfection is entirely debatable. The truth is, “perfect” means something different to every individual. For example, I used to believe that to be perfect, I not only needed to get an “A” on a test or a paper, but I needed my teacher/professor to comment specifically on my success. I felt as if I failed if I got the grade but no recognition. Is that what perfect means to you? Maybe. I used to believe that perfect meant my clothes were too big and hanging off me to the point that I needed to go buy a smaller size. If my clothes fit, I felt fat – I felt imperfect. Is that what perfect means to you? Possibly. To me, perfect meant that I pleased everyone in my life at my own expense. If someone was upset with me (even if I was not at fault) I felt ashamed and worthless. I always felt compelled to apologize to resolve the tension. Is that what perfect means to you? It might be. Or, maybe your idea of perfection is entirely different. The fact of the matter is that perfection is strictly dependent on personal perceptions and beliefs. And what’s more – the entire concept is an illusion. The perfect student, the perfect body, the perfect friend, the perfect (fill in the blank) DOES NOT EXIST. Human beings are imperfect – we always have been and we always will be. It’s simply an unwavering fact of life. The sooner you can accept that, the better off you’ll be.

I know, I know, you’ve heard it all before, right? You’ve had numerous people telling you not to be so hard on yourself, that it’s okay to have flaws, that you don’t always have to be the best at everything. I use to hear it on a daily basis – from friends, family, doctors, therapists, strangers on the internet (much like I am to you). For years, it didn’t make a difference. I had come to believe I wasn’t good enough to be perfect, and that I was failing at everything in life. It seems a little dramatic now, looking back - surely I wasn’t failing at EVERYTHING - but it felt very real at the time, as I’m sure it does to you right now. After a while, the perceived (key word: perceived!) feeling of constant failure became incredibly exhausting – I eventually adopted the mentality that if I didn’t try, I couldn’t fail. I applied this concept to every aspect of my life. To throw a little psychological lingo at you (it was my major, after all :P), I was essentially self-handicapping. If I didn’t go to class to take the test, I couldn’t fail it. Before you get confused (because, obviously, I’d fail the test if I wasn’t there to take it), let me elaborate a little bit. I developed the need to avoid exposing my own inadequacies at all costs. Because my self-esteem and self-confidence were virtually non-existent, I no longer believed in my ability to study for a test and do well. Therefore, I would just avoid studying, or simply not go to class, and that way I could attribute failing the test to external factors as opposed to my own weaknesses. The illusion of perfection drove me to this point – to the point of feeling empty and no longer finding joy in trying my hardest. I had given up in life – all because I believed there was a level called “perfection” I’d never be able to achieve.

I blame society. Society teaches us that “perfect” means blemish free skin and a body like a Barbie or Ken doll. Society teaches us that these physical traits are required to be considered beautiful, and those with flawed skin or non-super model bodies are unattractive. Society teaches us that “perfect” is being successful in everything you do and gaining recognition for said success. Society teaches us that “perfect” means you are wealthy and never have to worry about paying bills or providing for your family. It teaches us that those with financial struggles must not work hard enough or are not skilled enough in what they do to be successful. Society teaches us that “perfect” means you are well-known and popular. If no one knows your name, or some people don’t like you, you must be insignificant. Unfortunately, society fails entirely to teach us that these standards are unrealistic and unattainable for the majority of people. Sure, there are individuals that exhibit many of these traits; these are the individuals portrayed as "perfect" in the media – these are the individuals to which thousands of people compare themselves,  but I guarantee you they are NOT flawless.  Sadly, young men and women are taught to strive for this “perfect” status, and consequently, many are exposed unnecessarily to feelings of failure that have the potential to push them to the breaking point. Been there – done that. It’s unfair. It's incredibly sad.

So, how did I overcome this? Let me start by telling you it wasn’t easy – and I eventually did have to put forth some effort and try in my own recovery – but it was so worth it. The pressure I felt from the need to be perfect ate away at my soul each and every day. I constantly felt inadequate, and therefore, I was constantly beating myself up and telling myself I wasn’t good enough. What’s worse, I started to project these feelings onto others in my life, and I began to believe that everyone else felt I wasn’t good enough either. After years of misery, I was desperate to find a way to be happy. It is difficult to say exactly how I conquered the illusion of perfection and the hold it had over my life. Because I struggled with several issues that stemmed from the need to be perfect, there was a lot involved in my recovery process. I had to come to terms with the fact that the only thing that mattered was trying my hardest. I had to accept that, like I said before, human beings are imperfect; I was not an exception – it was okay for me to make mistakes. However, as I’m sure many of you know, this was difficult. Logically, it made sense, but it didn’t change my intense need to do everything perfectly. If I didn’t do things perfectly, I wouldn’t stand out from the crowd, I wouldn’t be noticed, and I’d cease to exist. This was my thought process – I truly believed that recovery would mean losing my identity, and that I would go on unnoticed and unworthy of anyone’s attention.

AH-HA! I had discovered the underlying issue fueling my need to be perfect. Attention! This was a huge step in my recovery process. I finally understood why I felt compelled to be perfect, and I traced it back to feelings of abandonment from my father when my parents divorced (I’ll get into that in another post). It wasn’t easy, but I slowly began to apply myself again, to try my hardest, and I hoped for the best. Guess what? I succeeded! After being out of school for almost a year (after several unsuccessful attempts to begin my bachelor’s degree) I enrolled in University of Phoenix online. That was almost 2 ½ years ago, and I graduated with my B.S. degree in Psychology last October. I encourage every one of you struggling with the illusion of perfection to take time to discover why you feel like you have to be perfect. What are you afraid will happen if you are not perfect? It may be hard to do this on your own – I had the help of an incredible therapist and my former college advisor (now one of my best friends) – both of whom were unbelievably patient with me during my recovery process. I wouldn’t be where I am today without either one of them. I also had the support of family and friends. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – you have a voice, I'm begging you to use it! Even if the person you ask is not equipped to help you figure it out, they may be able to help you find available resources that can meet your needs. Suffering in silence is no way to live - you deserve better. You can have better. You don’t have to go at this alone – you don’t have to feel broken anymore.

As a side note: Several months ago, I ran across a blog post related to this subject: The Disease Called "Perfection" written by Dan Pearce of Single Dad Laughing. Interestingly enough, I questioned whether or not to link the post - I felt his was better than mine, and that by guiding people toward it, I'd be exposing the weakness of my own post. I told you - perfection still trips me up every now and then. I got over it, simply because Dan's post is, by far, one of the most powerful and honest things I’ve ever read. I couldn't not share it knowing that it has the potential to help many of you out there. I encourage you all to take a look at it when you are done here – if nothing more, it will give you an additional perspective to think about.

-Quixotic311

If you like what you see or think someone else might, share it using the share buttons below!