Denial



Image © David Lowe, 1994

When I started this blog, I worried about the impact that denial would have on people being willing to share it with others. I say this because, when I was struggling with my eating disorder, the likelihood of me following a site like this and sharing it with other people would have been slim to none. I knew I had been diagnosed with an eating disorder, I knew everyone was telling me it was unhealthy and I should stop, but I was in such a deep state of denial that none of that mattered. To me, I wasn’t nearly as “sick” as some other people, so my eating disorder must not be as bad.  Denial is a dangerous state of mind. Regardless of what you are denying, you are either consciously or subconsciously pretending that something does not exist or is not a problem rather than confronting and dealing with it.

"Thinspiration" - Are You Kidding Me?

Image taken from http://www.weheartit.com/

How many of you have heard the term “thinspiration” or "thinspo?" I had never heard of this concept until I was smack dab in the middle of my eating disorder, searching online for sites that would validate my uncontrollable need to starve myself. It should come as no surprise that most of what’s on the web regarding eating disorders is damaging to those struggling with one. Sure, there are thousands of sites that talk about the symptoms, the risks, the importance of recovery, etc., but there are so many more that promote the disease, as if it’s something to aspire to. These sites, forums, and blogs are usually created by those in the midst of their disorder, looking for others with whom they can identify. They create a space in which they won’t be judged and can talk freely about their particular process of destroying their bodies by sharing “tips and tricks.” I admit – I used to frequent several of these sites.

Enter: “Thinspiration.”

"Please Stop...For Me?"

When people talk about addictions, what do you think of? I’m going to guess that the top three things that come to mind are drinking, drugs, and gambling. These are some of the most common addictions we face as a society. Oftentimes, I think people believe these are the only types of addictions out there, and everything else is just people “choosing” to be self-destructive.Additionally, I think people tend to associate “addictions” with seemingly negative concepts such as those listed above, but this is not always the case. Food, sex (consensual, that is), exercise, video games – all harmless in normal, everyday life, but they are not exempt from the addiction pool.  The truth is, “addiction” is not defined by what the person is addicted to (alcohol, cocaine, placing bets), but rather by the extent to which a person relies on some external entity to fill an internal void. Unfortunately, most addicts are not satisfied by their addiction, thus the reason it perpetuates and becomes a very serious problem. An “addiction” label requires that the behavior significantly impairs the individual’s ability to function normally (whatever that means – don’t get me started) in everyday life. The most important thing to understand about addictions is that the person suffering from one CANNOT make the decision to stop for anyone but themselves.

I Wish You Hadn't Taught Me That

In my last post (Silently Screaming) I talked about my inability to confront people face to face. I lack the necessary verbal and social skills to have a productive conversation when differing opinions are involved. It doesn’t matter how much I rehearse the potential dialogue in my head, the minute I open my mouth, I start second-guessing the validity of my point of view. All of a sudden, what sounded good in my head seems to make no sense as it comes rambling out of my mouth. I lose my train of thought, I am no longer able to articulate what I’m trying to say, and I end up staring silently at the floor or the wall while the other person dishes out their own point of view. Simply put, I shut down – each and every time. Afterwards, I inevitably think, “Damnit, why didn’t I say this when she said that!?” or “Ugh, I forgot to bring up this point and that point!” or “I should have said this instead of that.” It all boils down to a lack of confidence. This is why I choose to write. I can take as much time as I want to say what I feel; I can write my thoughts, and before anyone has a chance to read them, I can reword, rephrase, rearrange, add to, or delete anything and everything. I’m telling you this because the following post is full of things I’ve never been able to say face to face to those whom it concerns. So I’m going to do it here, where I can make sure it comes out the way I want it to. Here goes nothing…

Silently Screaming

Have you ever had a dream in which something bad is about to happen, but when you try to scream for help, nothing comes out? When I was young, I had a dream that I was in a department store with my mom, and we were walking through what seemed like a never-ending maze of clothing racks. I must have been lagging behind because, before I knew it, I couldn’t see my mom anymore. I tried to call out to her, but when I opened my mouth, no sound came out. I panicked and tried to run – but that, too, seemed to be an impossible feat. I was moving in slow motion, unable to let out a single sound to signal to my mom, wherever she was in my dream world, that I was lost and scared. I don’t remember how old I was when I had that dream, but for whatever reason I’ve never forgotten it. I’ve had several similar ones since then – different scenario (most of which I have no recollection), same inability to call for help or run away when something bad is happening. I know I’m not the only one – haven’t we all experienced this type of helpless nightmare while we are tucked safely in bed?

But how many of you know what it feels like to be LIVING this nightmare?