When people talk about addictions, what do you think of? I’m going to guess that the top three things that come to mind are drinking, drugs, and gambling. These are some of the most common addictions we face as a society. Oftentimes, I think people believe these are the only types of addictions out there, and everything else is just people “choosing” to be self-destructive.Additionally, I think people tend to associate “addictions” with seemingly negative concepts such as those listed above, but this is not always the case. Food, sex (consensual, that is), exercise, video games – all harmless in normal, everyday life, but they are not exempt from the addiction pool. The truth is, “addiction” is not defined by what the person is addicted to (alcohol, cocaine, placing bets), but rather by the extent to which a person relies on some external entity to fill an internal void. Unfortunately, most addicts are not satisfied by their addiction, thus the reason it perpetuates and becomes a very serious problem. An “addiction” label requires that the behavior significantly impairs the individual’s ability to function normally (whatever that means – don’t get me started) in everyday life. The most important thing to understand about addictions is that the person suffering from one CANNOT make the decision to stop for anyone but themselves. I used to cut. I still don’t fully understand this behavior. People ask me all the time, “why?” Why would anyone cut themselves, why would anyone intentionally mutilate their body? I’m sorry, I do not have a clear cut answer for you. I think the answer changes for each person, even though there are some generalizations that can be made (control, relief, feeling worthless and deserving of pain, etc.). For me, it began as a behavior I could control, much like my eating disorder had started. It gradually morphed into a reactionary behavior to find relief from any and all stress. Eventually, the behavior and sensation became incredibly addicting, and I was doing it anytime I thought about it, regardless of whether or not I was stressed or unhappy. It began to interfere with my life – I would skip classes so I could go home and cut while my mom was at work; I was hired for a job, and quit on my first day (before I even started) because I was going to have to wear short sleeves, but I didn’t want to stop cutting. It was tearing my relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend apart, but I wouldn’t give it up, which brings me to the purpose of this post.
One day, that boyfriend wanted to sit down and talk with me. He told me my eating disorder and cutting behavior were causing too many problems in our relationship. He pleaded with me to stop, for him, because he couldn’t go on watching me destroy myself. Remember what I said above – those suffering from addictions have to choose to stop for themselves, not anyone else. This was a lesson I was about to learn – the hard way. I promised him I would stop, that I loved him and didn’t want to keep hurting him. Over the next couple days, I tried my hardest not to cut. I remember crying myself to sleep because I wanted nothing more than to do it, but I felt so guilty for even thinking about it after promising him I would stop. The pressure and the guilt kept building up, until one night, I snapped. I won’t go into details – but my actions landed me in the ER, and, subsequently, the psych ward of the hospital for the next 5 days. I was trying to quit for someone else when I wasn’t ready to do it for myself. It backfired.
Here is my message to anyone suffering from an addiction, whatever it may be, AND to the friends and family members of those people: conquering an addiction requires the individual to first admit they have one, then make the decision to change and get help for him/herself. It is possible to do more harm than good by pleading with your loved ones to give up their addiction for you. If they try and fail, they are likely to experience extreme guilt that may serve to further perpetuate their addiction and make it worse. I would suggest encouraging the addict to think about what the addiction is costing them; what are they missing out on because of it? Focus on what recovery would mean for THEM, not you. I’m not saying it’s not important to share the ways in which their behavior as an addict is affecting you, but their recovery can’t be about making you feel better, they have to want it for themselves.
I am not a professional, and I don’t claim to have all the right answers, but as someone who has gone through it, I wanted to share my insight. What are your thoughts? Do you agree or disagree? Have you had a different experience?
_Quixotic_
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