I Wish You Hadn't Taught Me That

In my last post (Silently Screaming) I talked about my inability to confront people face to face. I lack the necessary verbal and social skills to have a productive conversation when differing opinions are involved. It doesn’t matter how much I rehearse the potential dialogue in my head, the minute I open my mouth, I start second-guessing the validity of my point of view. All of a sudden, what sounded good in my head seems to make no sense as it comes rambling out of my mouth. I lose my train of thought, I am no longer able to articulate what I’m trying to say, and I end up staring silently at the floor or the wall while the other person dishes out their own point of view. Simply put, I shut down – each and every time. Afterwards, I inevitably think, “Damnit, why didn’t I say this when she said that!?” or “Ugh, I forgot to bring up this point and that point!” or “I should have said this instead of that.” It all boils down to a lack of confidence. This is why I choose to write. I can take as much time as I want to say what I feel; I can write my thoughts, and before anyone has a chance to read them, I can reword, rephrase, rearrange, add to, or delete anything and everything. I’m telling you this because the following post is full of things I’ve never been able to say face to face to those whom it concerns. So I’m going to do it here, where I can make sure it comes out the way I want it to. Here goes nothing…

Parents teach us many things – all of which influence the way in which we experience the world.

• You taught me how to walk and talk.
• How to feed and dress myself.
• How to use the potty and brush my teeth.
• How to tie my shoes.
• How to ride a bike, how to throw and catch a baseball, and how to jump rope.
• How to make a phone call, how to send an e-mail, and how to use a camera.
• To always be polite.
• That an education is important.
• To always try my hardest and do my best.
• And that I can do anything I set my mind to.

I am thankful for these and many other things that you’ve taught me in life.

You also taught me about love and relationships.

• You taught me that respect is not important.
• That trust is meant to be broken.
• That name-calling and accusations are good communication tactics.
• That it is okay to be treated like a doormat.
• That it is okay to cheat or be cheated on.
• That it is okay to be condescending.
• That lying is a necessary part of marriage.
• That being emotionally abused is acceptable.
• That fighting and yelling on a daily basis is normal.
• That being unhappy is healthy.
• That manipulation is useful in getting what you want.
• That pretending everything is perfect is better than confronting the problem.
• And that love means nothing more than heartache and broken promises.

I wish you hadn’t taught me that.

Because of the things you taught me, I chose to stay in a toxic relationship for almost 5 years – one that almost killed me. I endured emotional abuse and manipulation on a daily basis. I let him treat me like crap because I assumed it was normal. I let him take control of my life and walk all over it because I believed that’s what being in a relationship was supposed to be like. I let him have all the power, and I never stood up for myself because that’s what I had seen at home for as long as I could remember. I allowed him to manipulate me into feeling guilty about every argument or fight we had – thus resulting in me apologizing 99% of the time and going out of my way to make it up to him when I didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. I gave up all my friends so I could be available to him 24/7. I sacrificed my time to fit his schedule. I was insanely jealous if he spent any time around other girls because I didn’t know how to trust anyone. I put up with yelling and name-calling during every fight because I didn’t have a clue how to communicate effectively or appropriately. I let him talk down to me, I let him define me, and I let him consume every part of me. I let the relationship dictate my entire existence. I let it take away my happiness and replace it with sadness, regret, frustration, and anger. I let it push me to the breaking point, and I attempted to kill myself at one point. Then, after that – I went back to the relationship and let it continue to tear me down for another two years.

Why the hell did you teach me those things?!

Parents: PAY ATTENTION! Everything you do affects your children. They learn the majority of what they know about life from you! They study you day in and day out, whether you realize it or not. They pick up on your subtlest habits, and they often exhibit many of your characteristics. They inevitably embody one or two of your worst traits, no matter how adamant they are about never ever being like you when it comes to this or that. The old saying “do as I say, not what I do” is so far from realistic that I want to punch whoever came up with that phrase in the face! I believe every child is essentially a book full of blank pages when they are born, and that parents hold the pen with which to write their child’s life story. For the love of God, WRITE A GOOD ONE!! Don’t fill the pages with experiences your children are going to wish they could rip out later in life. Trust me, even if they successfully rip those pages out, the pen you write with leaves deep impressions that will be felt on future pages. Yesterday, someone close to me told me that everything that is learned can be unlearned, and I wholeheartedly agree with that. However, that process is NOT an easy one, so why teach your children things they are going to want, or even need, to unlearn later?

It is important to note here that I am in no way trying to imply that my parents are entirely at fault for all my problems – that would be incredibly unfair of me to say. I love both of my parents to no end, but I’ve had to unlearn a lot of what they unintentionally taught me while they were still married, and it’s been a very rough process. I’m begging all you parents out there to really think about what you may be teaching your children and how it might affect them. It’s never too late to change up the daily lesson plan.

For the “children” reading this – have you ever confronted your parents about things you wish they hadn’t (intentionally or unintentionally) taught you? How did it go? If you haven’t, what’s stopping you?

For the parents – have any of you ever been confronted by your children? What was your experience?

I’d love you hear your thoughts.

-Quixotic

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